by Belle E. Cose
On rare occasions we switch subjects from archaeology to history and current events here at the Archaeology in Tennessee blog. Earlier today we noticed that April 15, 2017 is the 105th birthday of long-deceased North Korean leader Kim Il-Sung. Kim Il-Sung is the “George Washington” of North Korea and the grandfather of current North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un, who is sometimes referred to here in Tennessee as that “Fat Little Bastard.” It is our understanding that this is a great week of celebration in North Korea, leading up to the big birthday party in Pyongyang on Saturday. Kim Il Sung’s birthday is somewhat comparable to the 4th of July here in the United States, and the North Koreans like to engage in a little fireworks. You know: an underground nuclear test or a few ballistic missile launches—all banned by the United Nations. Such tests are usually accompanied by vocal threats to rain nuclear terror down upon the people of the United States with their six bantam-weight nuclear warheads and missiles that cannot reach the United States mainland. This is also the time of the year when South Korea and the United States conduct their annual war games in South Korea and its neighboring waters. The North Koreans always get very nervous this time of the year and refer to these war games as a “rehearsal for invasion of the DPRK.” Sometimes they get so many nervous jitters that they shell a South Korean island and kill a handful of civilians, or they attack a small South Korean naval vessel and kill a few sailors—all carefully choreographed to avoid an all-out war. Despite such occasional incidents, the long-feared American attack on North Korea never comes.
This year could be a little different. We have a new President of the United States that about half of all American citizens believe is incompetent to govern and mentally unhinged. In recent days he and his Secretary of Defense (General James “Mad Dog” Mattis) have hinted that the United States will deal unilaterally with the North Korean nuclear threat if China will not help us out with this matter—something China has refused to do for years now. So far, we do not know the full results of the recent summit meeting between President Trump and President Xi Jinping of China. However, we do know that the Trump administration conducted a massive Tomahawk cruise missile attack on a Syrian airbase while the meeting with Xi was in progress. We further know that the Trump administration, during that same meeting with Xi, changed the orders of a U.S. aircraft carrier strike group, originally bound for Australia, and redirected it to sail to an unknown location off the North Korean coast in the Sea of Japan. It should arrive at its appointed location during the big North Korean birthday celebration this week.
So, Happy Birthday to Kim Il-Sung!!! President Trump and Mad Dog Mattis have sent your country an extra special gift to accompany this year’s local war games in South Korea. You guys do not usually get this kind of extra attention:
We know you just heaved a huge sigh of relief when you remembered the fact that the Clinton administration banned nuclear weapons from American aircraft carriers and surface ships at the end of The Cold War. But wait a minute. How do you know that Trump and Mattis have not reloaded them onto American surface ships? Give that some thought because reloading is a very quick and easy thing to do. While you are at it, give this some thought—American submarines. Every American carrier strike group has one or two Los Angeles Class attack submarines under water in a nearby location to conduct anti-submarine warfare, and an Ohio Class ballistic missile submarine could be lurking anywhere in the Sea of Japan. Just in case you might have forgotten, each Ohio Class submarine is equipped with 24 Trident II ICBMs, each with eight MIRV nuclear warheads (Model W88—each with a yield of 475 kilotons). How much total firepower is that? If you do not have a calculator handy, it is the total equivalent explosive power of 6,144 Hiroshima bombs. In other words, the USS Carl Vinson carrier strike group and that one Ohio Class submarine have enough firepower to erase North Korea from the face of the Earth—forever—within less than three minutes of launch. Kim Jong-Un would not even be able to get his pants on in that amount of time.
In summary, you might want to think twice about your birthday fireworks show this year because of the following:
(1) A mentally unhinged American President who loves things that explode
(2) A current U.S. Secretary of Defense famous for saying:
(3) Huge military exercises underway in South Korea
(4) USS Carl Vinson carrier strike group (possibly reloaded with nuclear weapons) sitting off the coast of North Korea
(5) Ohio Class nuclear submarine that can retarget all its nuclear weapons on North Korea by computer within seconds
(6) Knowledge that the U.S. Navy has already attacked a Syrian airbase in spite of Russian opposition. The United States government and the American people despise Kim Jong-Un and North Korea light years more than they do Mr. Assad and his Syria.
(7) Knowledge of how American naval commanders think. For example, Commander Bart Mancuso (USS Dallas attack submarine in The Hunt for Red October): Quote: “Now if that bastard so much as twitches, I’m going to blow him straight to Mars.” No twitching this week, or Kim Jong-Un and his henchmen may be the first colonists on Mars.
Just some birthday food for thought during Happy Hour in Pyongyang.